Updated: Jul 18
I have been on my journey to healing many parts of me since 2014 after feeling like I was at the very bottom of my self-worth bucket, actually more like there was a hole in the bottom of the bucket and my self-worth was seeping out, and an attempt to end my life.
I have ridden the many waves and rollercoaster rides of the awakening, ascending, un-becoming and spiritual healing journey however my most recent rollercoaster experience while in Bali has felt like none of the other rides before and I feel I am still on the same rollercoaster.
Let me take you back to 2 weeks before I flew to Bali. It was the 22nd May, a Monday evening, and I felt called to run a hot bath and fill it and the room with daisies and candles and play one of my favourite meditation tracks. Before I even stepped into the bath I could feel I was about to be taken on a journey. From the very moment I stepped in to the hot water my ears started ringing with a piercing high pitched sound in both ears, usually it is just one or the other. My physical body felt like it was releasing cellular memories, every pore in my skin felt tingly. I instantly dropped into a meditative state. My body and my soul surrendered simultaneously and off I went. Throughout this journey I seen and felt a lot however what I want to share with you is the message I received from spirit during this journey. The message being “There is more deep healing work to be done in Bali for yourself and for others,” and then I heard the number 123 before seeing it in big bright lights.
When I was in Bali back in March 2023 the villa I stayed in was Villa 123, so I took this as a sign that when I returned to this resort in June 2023 spirit was leading me to be back in this same Villa 123 to support me with the healing I was about to experience.
This healing experience began well before arriving back on the Motherland Bali.
I arrived in Bali on 6th June (Day 1) and by 8th June (Day 3) the triggers and emotions began to release. What set me off was, one of my friends I was travelling with had had someone project negatively onto them and when what was said was shared with my old stories and emotions of the fear of being abandoned and rejected bubbled to the surface before exploding like a volcano. While I was deep in processing these old fears coming back the one person I wanted to support me through this I couldn’t lean on as they needed time and space to move through what had come up for them and our stuff was somewhat intertwined. This in itself was a huge lesson for me as in the past I would have ignored my own stuff to be there for the other person, to rescue the other person, to give the other person what that need, rather than give myself what I needed. This was just the beginning of where 8 out of my 14 days travelling I would feel like an emotional mess with all that came up to be felt, released and healed.
Day 5, while sitting in a café before continuing our journey to our next destination, I was having a conversation with another friend I was travelling with, and from the words that were spoken to me the old stories of Not Good Enough and Not Worthy came bubbly to the surface and again I exploded like a volcano of emotions right there in the café.
I was beginning to feel like a dump truck had backed its way up to me and dumped all the negative emotions, stories, limiting beliefs and limiting decisions that I had been working on processing, moving through, releasing and healing since 2014.
Day 6, the previous day I had asked my friend whose own experience on Day 3 had triggered me, if we could have a conversation about what had come up for me. My friend agreed to have this conversation later that evening however it didn’t happen. Today, Day 6, I asked again if we could have the conversation after dinner as it was important to me to voice what had surfaced. I was told they had plans after dinner so may not have the time. In that moment I was frustrated as I had expressed it was important to me. This time what came up was Not Being Heard and again Not Being Worthy. I chose to let the need to have the conversation go and knew that it not happening when I wanted it to and the emotions that came up were also a lesson for me. I also knew in my heart that if the conversation was meant to happen, then it would at the right time and place of which it did that evening after dinner. Day 8, which was Day 3/7 of the Polarity Therapy training that I was attending in Bali. Today we were paired up and were to take each other through the General Therapy Session we had learnt. While I was receiving the session my practitioner found a number of tender spots on my body with each tender spot found words were also spoken to me. The first was a tender spot between my last and 2nd last toe on my right foot and the words that were spoken were “something is weighing on your heart” ~ the emotions erupted and eventually settled. Then my practitioner found another tender spot, no words were spoken this time however the emotions erupted again. Next a tender spot was found on my right inner elbow and the words that followed were like a key that unlocked pandora’s box, “you find it hard to let go of all your pain”, BOOM. I pushed that emotion down as I knew it was going to be bigger than a volcano if I let it out. At the end of the session I removed myself from the training room and went and sat under a gazebo look in the bush. As I sat there I felt and seen every impactful moment in my life where I held onto emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain all the way back to the womb and felt every moment release. As the tears rolled down my face as much as I wanted it to stop I also allowed myself to surrender to this experience as I no longer wanted to hold onto the pain or tension that was in my body. What an intense experience. Day 10, day 5/7 of Polarity Therapy training. Again, we were paired up so that we could take one another through another treatment we learnt called the Back Release Treatment. Yep, you guessed it, during this session I had more past stories/emotions come up and also current realisations. Not Feeling Good Enough, Not Feeling Worthy, Never Being Truly Seen by the Masculine. Feeling like I will never be truly seen for who I am by the masculine. Feeling like I will never be worthy or good enough to have the relationship experience I want to have.
Day 12, day 7/7 of Polarity Therapy training. Last day of training and today we had 1.5hrs to give and receive a polarity therapy session. I was excited for today as I woke up feeling AMAZING, my body felt free and spacious. I felt like I had finally come out the other side of the darkness into the light and was ready to receive a gentle, calm and peaceful session. Well, wasn’t I wrong.
I received my session 2nd and when my practitioner worked on my solar plexus the fear of loneliness, fear of being romantically and intimately for the remainder of my life came up.
Then my practitioner worked on my left psoas muscle and to was so tender, almost to the point of excruciating and as I breathed through it all of this past shame came up like a tornado. Shame around being a single mum;
Shame around not providing a family environment for my kids as they grew up; Shame for not being a present mum when my kids were younger; Shame around all my romantic relationships ending; Shame around my promiscuity in my younger days; And the shame just kept coming. This emotion was new for me as it had never come up for me in all the work I had done over the years.
Day 13 - Day 15 Now in Sanur for my last days before flying back home even though I am not ready to. There were some tears shed on Day 14 & 15 more so from me processing all that had happened over the 2 weeks. This time around my time in Bali felt like I went through another Dark Night of the Soul and to be honest I feel like I am still riding that wave.
So much came to the surface for me to release while I was in Bali and I surrendered to it all however now that all those emotions, pain and tension has left my body I feel lost, confused and unsure of who I am now and know that that is another process in itself for me to move through and I know in time I will find my way to the newer evolved version of Emma.
If you have made it to then end, THANK YOU for witnessing what I had to share.
I always believe that by sharing our stories, journey’s, wave’s and rollercoasters that we can help even just 1 person know that they are not alone no matter how much of a SH!T SHOW their healing journey may feel. The time in which we have been "doing the inner work" on ourselves has no bearing on how healed we are as there are always a multitude of layers. We just become more aware of what we are processing, moving through or healing. Remember we are only ever evolving and if we reach the stage of healing all our layers then we have therefore reached true enlightenment and our time here on earth is at an end.
You will be pleased to know that I manifested staying back in Villa 123 during my polarity therapy training and am so grateful that I had my own hot spring, my own lap pool and my own space to process and move through the healing experience I had.
I am also grateful for being held by Mother Bali’s energy throughout the entire trip.
Gratitude & blessings,